WMH Season 2 Ep 8: Finding Healing, Becoming An Advocate

This is a transcript of Watching Mental Health Season 2, Episode 8 which you can watch and listen to here:

Katie Waechter: Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of Watching Mental Health. And I'm so excited today because I get to speak with somebody who is so brave and her story is so powerful and I'm just so excited to be able to bring on someone who's going to talk a little bit more about her own journey, not as a professional, but as someone with lived experience, which I think is what we all are and what we need more of.

And so I'm going to give you a quick introduction and then I'll bring her on. And her name is Petra Clarke, and she began her transformative mental health journey in 2016, turning to a personal blog as a lifeline for expressing what has long been suppressed, which I think is amazing, determined to find healing beyond the conventional methods. She discovered profound solace at a retreat for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, organized by Sia, I believe is how you pronounce it. And it's a nonprofit dedicated to preventing and healing from sexual abuse. And today, Petra is a passionate advocate. She uses her lived experience to empower others to feel seen and understood. I see this firsthand and I follow her regularly and all of the amazing things that she does as a volunteer national speaker for Rain and a skilled graphic and web designer, Petra is on a mission to create meaningful change in her community and by sharing her powerful story. And she does that both, like I said, in her community and online. And I'm just really excited to bring on Petra to the show. So welcome to the show, Petra Clarke.

Petra Clarke: Hi Katie. Thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited, nervous, all the feels.

Katie: I love it. And thank you so much for being here and being willing to be open and vulnerable. It's hard and I acknowledge your bravery in that, and I just think that your story is really powerful and we need people telling their stories. And so before I get any further, I just want to ask you tell me who you are in your own words.

Petra: Well, thank you for having me. The first instinct is to always start with my title, my role in my career. But that's not who I am. It's what I do. I love it, but it's not who I am. So I've had to learn to kind of separate that. So I guess I want to start out with who I am to the core of me. I'm the daughter of an amazing foster mother. Her name was Patricia and Bordner, and I was one out of over 200 children that she helped raise as a single parent. So I probably say that I am a ripple effect of the love and all the hard work that she poured into me. I would say obviously I'm an advocate in my own way by telling my own story. And I am very deeply passionate about ending the stigma on mental health. And I say mental health instead of mental illness, not because I'm uncomfortable with the word illness, but because everybody I believe needs to have mental health. And whether you have an official diagnosis, an unofficial diagnosis, or just the person trying to get through everyday challenges, we all struggle the same. It's pain, it's emotional, but it just looks different for everybody. So I would say also, I mean obviously I'm a creative who I believe I'm working through channeling my arts and supporting mental health awareness.

Katie: Yeah, I think that's great. And I think that you've been able to really apply your skill to a modern world with being able to do things graphically, being able to channel your art artistically through various forms of art. And I think that that's really beautiful to see. And I love what you say about how it's, we like to call it mental health and not mental illness. I am of the same mindset. I don't really like to throw around mental illness unless we are talking very specifically about maybe a serious mental illness condition. But like you said, we all have mental health and we all experience mental health challenges and pain, and that's life. That's the human experience. And for some, it hits really hard and it can really cause a lot of challenges with our mental health, which is why advocates, I think like you and I are so important because we're out there telling our stories. So with that, tell me a little bit more about why does mental health really matter to you? Why does being an advocate in this space, why is that such a big deal for you?

Petra: I guess I want to start with it saved me, me being on this journey has literally saved my life. Mental health matters to me because little Petra is still trying to get validation even as an so when I speak out or I post anything mental health related, I feel like I am acknowledging and recognizing the little girl in me. It matters to me because I spent a lot of years building the foundation. So it's how I function, how I see myself, how I connect with others, nurturing mental health. My mental health is a lifestyle. It's not a fad, you know what I mean? It's a deep desire to focus on staying balance because it's really hard living with mental illness to stay, have that balance emotionally, mentally, sometimes too. So I just want to be the healthiest self. And then I would also say mental health matters to me because I actually appreciate my mental health journey because it's fueled what I believe is my purpose with helping others. I don't know that I would know what my purpose is, you know what I mean? A lot of us go through years of trying to figure out what we want to be and who we want to be, even as adults. And so that's why I'm pretty passionate about it. Yeah,

Katie: Absolutely. And I really just love that you touched on your little girl. I feel like I'm always acknowledging my little girl, and so you acknowledging your little girl was acknowledgement for mine as well. And so I think that's beautiful. And I do the same thing where I'm always kind of thinking and acknowledging her, giving her, I think, and the same with you, giving her what she needed so long ago and making sure to try and continue to give it by taking care of her own mental health and then speaking out on it for others, especially for others who are still struggling and maybe don't have that voice yet themselves. So with that, tell me a little bit more, and you can go as long or as detailed as you'd as you're comfortable with, but tell me a little bit more about your mental health journey and what you've been through these last few years.

Petra: Yeah, thank you. It's funny you said about the little girl thing. I have literally gone to Goodwill and bought me a little purse and just those little things, it's like I didn't get to do some of that as a very young girl. So yeah, it seems childish sometimes, but I've learned to tap into it and be like, no, it's not childish. It's literally part of my growth. And if I have to do it at my older adult self, so be it. Exactly,

Yeah, about my mental health, that saying, the good, the bad, the ugly. My life started out, the ugly, the bad, and now I feel like I'm in a good stage in my life. Not perfect, but good. I experienced multiple traumas from physical, emotional, sexual abuse, even to homelessness and placing my youngest son for adoption. At that time I was very young. I was 18, 19, 20 when I had my first son, and then I had my youngest son, and I couldn't care for two children. I didn't have the financial stability obviously. I raised in a foster home. I didn't have mom, dad, cousins, uncles, grandpa. I didn't have any of that. I mean, absolutely I had my foster mom, but when I grew out of the foster care system, she was still trying to help other children still. So I didn't want to rely on her. So at that time, I don't feel like I had the support because I didn't reach out for the supports.

And so I literally barely was making it week to week. That went on for years. I was a single parent. Now I'm not, thank gosh, but I was a single parent at a very young age, and I was able to raise my oldest son. He's doing very good, much better than I was. I got in trouble when I was younger, so I pat myself on the back. I raised the human with mental illness and that's an accomplishment. My youngest son, that one gets me a little emotional. So my youngest son is doing really well too. He's in college and it's an open adoption. So I do get updates from his amazing adoptive mom. I hate to even say adoptive because she's his mom in my eyes, and I'm okay with that. I won't go into too much with that because I want to respect my youngest son's privacy, but I just wanted to share at least a little bit about him and acknowledge him because I think about him all the time and it's a tough journey.

But after not dealing with all the trauma that I went through, I now have to do the work. I have to figure out the complex PTSD journey. It's not just PTSD, it's complex because again, I went through several traumas, which I for the longest time, didn't even want to share because back then when I looked at it, I looked at it as why does this keep happening to me? This incident happened now, this incident happened, and now you know what I mean? And I was like, what am I doing that keeps causing me to problem? And I don't want to share that with people. People are going to be like, well, that's weird. Why does everything kept happening to you? Well, you know what? Predators know how to pray. They do. It is what it is. And so yeah, it's a really hard journey, but I don't look at my journey as a race.

There is no end goal. It's constant setting new goals for me, mental is very complex. And so there are obviously tough days, but then I also look at it as I'm a tough girl. I beat a hundred percent of all my days. I'm still here, I'm standing. So it has its ups and downs, and that's the reality of mental illness. I constantly try to practice healthy inner dialogue. I remind myself it's going to pass. Give yourself time, let it process, and even sit in the uncomfortable. I know a lot of us hear that, or at least some of us do. But on the other side of uncomfortable is growth. I've seen it in my own life. So I'm a testament, I would say. I've also come to see myself, not just as somebody living with mental illness, but someone who's taken ownership of it. Even if I have to spend the day crying it out, it's still taking ownership because I see it as a cleanse that my body obviously needs.

Trauma literally gets, I had to learn all of this as I've educated myself, but trauma literally gets trapped in our bodies. And it doesn't have to be actively something happening in the moment. Years ago, the stuff is still stuck, you know what I mean? So because it gets trapped in the body, unless we're trying to making the steps to move it out of our body, it just sits there and then it just kind of compiles, compiles, compiles. So would I rather not deal with that? Of course, you know what I mean? Everybody would, but that's just not my reality. And I have to accept that I am unique. I look at it as I'm a unique person. I have require different things, different regular checkups with myself. I look at it as self love, acts of love and constant pouring into myself just like my foster mom did all my life. She poured into me, and now hopefully I can pour into others by being honest, being open and being vulnerable and telling my story, which I was very nervous coming on here. I've done this a couple times, but every time I do it more and more, it just gets a little bit easier. 

Katie: Little bit easier. That's right. Absolutely. And your story I think is powerful and relatable. It shows that things aren't perfect and that's okay. Life isn't going to be perfect and bad things are going to happen and you can't change those things. But what you can do is you can move forward in your new reality. I love that you mentioned that this is a continuous process, that you're always giving yourself self love, that you're going to go to the store and pick up that little purse on a day when your little girl is really screaming for some help inside. And I think that's beautiful that to pay attention to ourselves. And so I just think it's so important for us to recognize that it's not a one and done. You can't just fix your mental health and move on, and that's just not how it works.

But I think what's really amazing about your story is that you've broken, I think probably a familial cycle. You broke the cycle, whatever that cycle was, and you are in a position now where the people that you love are in a better place than where you were when you were a little girl. And that is so hard to do. My mom broke the cycle. And it's hard when you're that person, that's that person because you really take most of the pain, but you do it for the ones that you love. And so I just want to acknowledge that, that you're very strong for being able to face the journey every day, which is really what it needs to be. And so with that, tell me more about what was a defining moment in this journey that helped you to find that piece of recovery or that piece of hope that you probably really needed and to know that it's going to be okay, even if it's not okay right now?

Petra: I would probably say my children at that time, that's really all I had. Even though I had to place my youngest son for adoption, I still had children. Just because I placed him for adoption didn't mean that I didn't care that I didn't have purpose still. And so I guess probably looking at my son, obviously the one I was in my home and looking at him and being like, I can't imagine putting him through any of the pain that I went through. And that was my hope. Okay, I need to make better decisions. I need to do better. It was little things like I don't want to smoke around him. I used to smoke a little bit. I don't want to smoke around him. I don't want to drink around him. I was very conscious of stuff like that. And so I think just wanting to be better and do better.

And honestly, I think I know that comes from my foster mom. She instilled that in me. If I didn't have that, I don't know what kind of person I would be today. So I would say, yeah, my children would be, back then was my number one goal. It was like, okay, even though my youngest son isn't with me, he's still being raised. He's going to still come back hopefully one day and want to know about his history. So I have to do the work. And that didn't start until years later, obviously me doing the work, but I just knew there was something in me that was like, I have to do better. I have to be a better person. I have to be a better parent. Even touching a little bit on my son, my oldest son, I apologize to him. I literally will, every time I have a conversation, if something just pops in my head, I'm like, you know what?

I'm sorry that I did that. I wasn't nobody. I yelled, I got on him about little stuff because literally I was trying to survive and I wasn't always in the right mental space. So I was always very irritable and very, just because I didn't know that I thought that I had buried the trauma. And so when it would surface, I would just apologize to him. Now that I've done the work, not back then. And I would just be like, you know what wasn't nice? You deserve an apology. And I think every child deserves an apology from every parent in the world because I know everybody has messed up one point or another. And it's not even a shameful it taking pride in being like, let me apologize to you. You are a human being. You're my son, but you're a human being too, so you deserve an apology. I know that somewhere along the line I messed up a little bit. You know what I mean?

Katie: Totally. And so I think relatable, right? I think parents are always really hard on themselves, especially parents who are in that struggle. I mean facts. When you are every day thinking about how am I going to put food on this table? It can be hard to be in the right state of mind, but that's okay, right? Because we're not perfect. We're not supposed to be, but we can make better decisions every day. We can take those small steps every day. So I love what you said about just taking small steps. You acknowledged there was certain things you didn't want to do that you knew that you could control at that time, even though you weren't ready to handle the baggage, you knew that you wanted to do these things. And taking those small steps is so valuable and so important. So I just want to acknowledge anyone who is out there listening to this episode who may be thinking that they're not doing enough, but they're getting up every day and trying, then you are. The fact that you are just getting up every day and trying is what it means that you're doing enough. And I think it's important to give our children acknowledgement and apologize for past grievances because we're not perfect and we're not supposed to be. And it's good for our children to see that. Yep,

Petra: Absolutely. Absolutely.

Katie: So what does treatment does it look like to you? How does recovery, what does that look like to you?

Petra: So for me, treatment is holistic. That's my first go-to, I'm trying to be as natural as possible. If I have to get to a point where I have to take a medication, that's a different story. But I have tried medication before. It didn't work for me. So my treatment looks more holistic and individualized. I try really hard not to look at others and see, of course, sorry about that. Ambulances went by. I try not to look at other's journey and their path because what works for one person does not work for another person that is facts. So it's not about medication and therapy for me. It also is about doing, like I said before, doing the work. I know we hear that all the time, but it's true. We have to love on ourselves. And then obviously because I'm a creative creativity and then connecting with my new community, I'm new here.

I'm not from Vegas, but a lot of people who may be watching may not know. But my family and I literally moved from the Midwest to beautiful Las Vegas. And even though I didn't understand at the time, I now realized it was all part of a bigger purpose. I truly believe that. I always felt like I didn't belong in the Midwest, even though I was thankful that my foster mom raised me. I never felt at home. There was something about the Midwest and the cold, the dark, obviously dealing with a seasonal affective disorder was my other issue.

Also, treatment is an ongoing process. It requires self-awareness because there are times when I need movement. So that could be yoga. There are times when I just need stillness that could just me going to the park by myself, and I have to listen to my body and what it's saying, your body speaks to you. If you do the work, you start to understand your body's what it's telling you. So I believe in blending professional care with personal practices. So that aligns with who I am as a creative person and then somebody healing from trauma. So I say healing because I don't know if there is such thing as healed in the sense that when my recovery is complete and I'm like, oh, yep, I did it. I'm done. You know what I mean? I hope that makes sense.

Katie: No, and I think we touched on it earlier, right? It's an everyday journey. It's a journey that never ends your healing journey. I think that we should all be on a healing journey no matter what grievances or traumas we've had. It's important to all be on a self love journey. And I really like that you combine those professional with those holistic and just listening to your body is so key, because like you said, just treatment is so different for everyone. And I'm not here to judge what works for one person and not for another. But I think it's valuable to see that, hey, anything can work. If you give it a try and you keep going and you keep working at it, you'll find something. And it seems like that's what you've done.

Petra: Yes, absolutely. I'm thankful. Very thankful.

Katie: And it's probably taking years, and I think happiness that takes years too. So tell me more. What does happiness look like to you now? I know you said things aren't perfect because they're not supposed be, but they're good now. And so it feels like you're in a better place, but you're still searching, you're still on your journey. Is that how it is?

Petra: Yeah. I mean, my routine, I guess you could say self-care is crucial for me, loving on yourself because I didn't get that. I didn't, yes, my foster mom did an amazing job when I got into her foster care into her home at the age of 10. But up until then, I had a lot of trauma, so I didn't get that love. So I missed years, know what I mean? Of that trauma. And I think my counselor explained it to me that I didn't start growing until I got put in foster care. So I am 44, but technically I'm 34. And now I used to look at myself as immature, not, I don't want to use the word mature. I don't know if that's the right word, but in a sense,

Katie: I understand. Yeah, you felt like I felt normal. Yeah.

Petra: Yes. I'm like, everyone else is over here. They look good and professional, and they sound good, and they vocalize everything. And me, I'm like little

Katie: Girl in the corner.

Petra: Yep. But then I look at, now I look at it different. I'm like, you know what? I'm 34, not 44. So now I can actually say that I'm mentally 34. I'm okay with that.

Katie: Great. So do you think that trauma is something that you mentioned before that lives in your body? So do you think that trauma is something that will always be with you, that you're always going to be managing complex PTSD, or do you think that with time, maybe you've gotten rid of some of it, but you'll never get rid of all of it. So tell me more about your thoughts on is it something that you can overcome trauma?

Petra: I would say I believe it's less about overcoming and more about accepting it because what if you don't actually overcome the word, overcome it, and then you're just constantly miserable in a sense because you have this unachievable goal. So I try to look at it as accepting it. Mental health challenges are going to happen, but they don't define me. I work really hard at having self-compassion as part of acceptance. It's about embracing all the pieces of who I am that includes the difficult ones. I don't believe in overcoming mental because the trauma has messed up the connections in our brain, and then our brain has disconnected from the body. So it's really, really, really hard to get that back because of the trauma. You can't just take it out of your brain, you know what I mean? And yeah, I don't believe that you overcome mental health challenges, but you learn to live.

You can live a good full meaningful life and accept it and learn from it and continue to grow. So that's the way I choose to look at it, because I just don't want to set myself up for let down, I guess you could say, because, and this is just my experience. If there's people that feel like they have got there, that's amazing. But I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm like, oh yeah, in two years I'm going to figure it all out and I'm just going to be healed. I'm healing. And I look at it as I get to keep loving on myself. I get to keep doing these amazing things to help myself.

Katie: Yes, absolutely. I love that perspective. And then you're right, it doesn't set you up for failure. It's not like, okay, in two years I'm no longer going to need a therapist and I'm no longer going to need to do this or that. It's like, no, in two years I'm going to continue to be in a good place because I'm continuing to work on myself and whether or not I have trauma or anxiety that may or may not be there, but I am still me. And so I think that's just a beautiful perspective.

Petra: Absolutely. Absolutely. You can live, I mean, obviously there's different levels of mental illness obviously, but you can live with depression and you can live with complex PTSD and some A DHD or you know what I mean? You can still live a good life and put yourself out there and be successful. And I mean, I'm living testament. I've been doing it since 2016 is when I started doing the work. I love it. And I just want people to take away that you can still put yourself out there and make life what you want it to be. Take control of it. So it's not easy, but it's possible. Absolutely.

Katie: Yep, absolutely. It's not easy, but you know what? I don't think it's supposed to be. I think that's life again. And it's a lot of ups and downs, and I like that what you said earlier about it gives you the chance to continue to love on yourself. And I think that's awesome. That's a big takeaway for me. I'm going to really remember that. And so let's take this last minute and just talk a little bit about what are some just ways that we can love on ourselves as creatives? I think you and I, we don't have a similar background, but I think we have a similar creative, passionate ideas. I think that we're both on a similar mental health advocacy journey. And so what are some ways that we can love on ourselves and then also advocate for mental health. I know for me, I love painting and puzzling. I personally like naps. I do love to sleep, and so I like to schedule in nap time and I'm proud of that. But then I also like to go out in the world and spend a lot of time with nami, the National Alliance on Mental Illness in advocating. And that also makes me feel good. So what kind of things do you love to do?

Petra: For me, I guess one of the things that I could think of off the top of my head right now is regarding professional is speaking up for my mental health in my career. That's a non-negotiable, but it took a lot of years to get to that point because now I am in position because I've worked hard. I put myself out there. I am a creative now, and I did that because it is so simple. I went to Facebook, Hey, I'm new in Vegas. I'm a graphic designer. I also, I'm passionate about mental health. And then if I could say Ginger Allen from YML found me and she has given me the chance and the hope of I have a chance to do the work that I love instead of being stuck. I was stuck in customer service for so long, and now I'm in a creative field where I feel like I've always belonged.

So I would just say speaking up and my mental health is non-negotiable. This is what I can do. I work four days on, three days off. I don't do the typical five. And I know I'm blessed, but I've also worked hard to get here. So those little things speak up for yourself. If you can get in a position where you're like, Hey, I work hard for four days and then I'm taking three whole days off back to back. You know what I mean? So those little things like that has been really so good for me.

Katie: That's amazing.

Petra: Surround yourself with people, like you said, working with nami even I plan to volunteer more with them. I've volunteered with a couple organizations here in Las Vegas. I'm going to continue to do that. I'm going to continue to put myself out there, and I'm just going to continue to just figure out how to be a ripple effect just like my foster mom was.

Katie: Yes. Yeah, absolutely. I love it. That ripple effect. I think I'm doing the same thing. Trying to figure out where to be a ripple effect and just one person listening and hearing this and being impacted by it, I think for you and I makes us happy. And just to help out one more person and to put our story out there one more time and to advocate. And so you're doing great, amazing work. I just love watching you. It's inspiring. I always watch your posts and just excited to see where you continue to flourish here in Las Vegas because we do need the mental health advocacy. So you are in the right place, and I'm just so grateful to have you here and to call you a friend.

Petra: Oh, thank you so much, Katie. I appreciate it. This has been a wonderful conversation. I was nervous for no reason. Yeah, everybody, just keep putting yourself out there. Keep doing the work on yourself. You can't find that community if you know exactly the type of people you're looking for. So absolutely. Thank you so much.

Katie: Thank you. Yeah, and that's it. Just keep working on it. Keep doing the work, keep putting yourself out there. You've survived a hundred percent of your days so far. And tune into Hear Us every first and third Wednesday. We are live here, three o'clock Pacific time on pr, connections Radio. And then you can tune into my website, katie rose wecter.com to see all of our previous episodes, catch all of our replays on YouTube and Spotify and Catch Petras episode up there as well. So thanks again, Petra, for coming out for joining me today and for bravely talking about your story. And thank you everyone for being here. We'll see you next time.

Petra: Thank you, Katie!